Tuesday, January 29, 2013

An eve's account of new years' eve


It’s 31st December 2012. The supposed “end” of the little blue baby fondly called “Our World”. The streets, petrol stations, houses, restaurants are all lit up in glory to bid adieu to 2012 , laugh at it’s pathetic folly and welcome 2013 to make fresh mistakes. There is celebration in the air. It’s one of my closest friend’s birthday. Now this is the part where I come in.
I was at a stock count at Chengalpet, at a distance of about 40 kilometers from Chennai. I surprisingly, cannot even believe am gonna say this. I did a pretty decent job at work today. I meant. Even I cant believe it. So yeah, I was pretty much stuck with work today. And I leave work along with my friend who is with me in the cab as we head home amidst the traffic at Perungalathur where an “inch” seems to be begging for re-definition, for we are moving at a distance smaller than that. Centimeter u may ask. Oh no. Lesser than that. Oh forget it. I suck at all these conversion rates and measurements. It’s the 9th wonder of the world as to how I even took up Accounting. Never mind, that topic reserved for later.
So yeah. As I said, I am coming back in the cab. The car, travelling at a hundred kmph (before the traffic jam, dude), the windows rolled down, my hair loose, music plugged into my ears and beating away to glory in my eardrum, I was as insanely crazy as ever. Somehow, I felt a strange feeling. Something I have never felt earlier. Oh no. Not orgasm. This seems stranger. Some kinda nauseating emptiness. Generally, I behave like those lame heroines or my demi-God metal Gurus when I listen to their songs, ruffling my hair or mouthing the lyrics to Memory Remains like the world is gonna end tomorrow. Well yeah, good point. Even the world aint gonna end tomorrow. What a paradox.
This empty feeling. Hmmm. When I generally am all alone with my thoughts, music and the crazy breeze, I run through a lotta masala from the past. I would suddenly find myself smiling and suddenly crying. I would think of the guy who never understood my love or my best friends to whom I don’t talk anymore. I would think of my guy friends thanks to whom I am now a tom-boy. I would think of my family. I would think if I would ever have a love-life, ever get married. I would think of the Arrinera Hussarya or the Lamborghini Reventon with it’s entire carbon fibre awesomess. Somehow today. Everything’s weird. I dint think of any of this (until now) other than the thought that my mind is sorta empty. Did old sages and Philosophical Gurus strive to achieve this? Well I don’t know if I am there yet, but I guess I could be there with no special effort.
I don’t even feel I have friends anymore. In all my friends’ whatsapp there is a group called “Best Friends” and I somehow don’t fit in any of them. And worst part? My “besties” aren’t on whatsapp. I mean, we don’t even talk. They seem to have other priorities too. Priorities. What an excuse for the world! Am I even sane? Or are the others not? I mean. When the entire world seems to be celebrating and having fun partying, what the hell am I doing with my life? A few people call and talk. Some complain, some gossip, some chatter meaninglessly. I listen and ingest the information. When I wanna talk, there is no one. I suck it up to myself and it goes up as my blog. I find no truth in people. No passion in work and no interest in constructive happiness. There is just a void. It doesn’t seem like a dental cavity I can fix. It seems like an unreal pothole of never-ending bottomness. As surreal as it seems, the enigma is carried forward to a labyrinth and it just never is solved. A lame emptiness of nothing. No sadness, no regret, no joy, no anger. Well. Cheers to that!! Apocalype. Dude, What the hell are u waiting for?? Bring it on!!

- The Phoenix
31st December 2012

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