It's for you to figure out :) :)

I believe that even though a person has never been loved in the way he/she wants to be she is ensured of getting it in every other way possible.
"My day starts and ends with you. But, do you know what I did when you suddenly abruptly left me behind and moved forward? You simply became my heart, which is well within me and beats just to keep reminding of you and to keep me alive."

I couldn't believe I just wrote that. 

I have always wanted to open a blog but somehow there was something stopping me. I realised and re-lived those Deja' vu moments and i have understood what that feeling is which has occurred to me in various encounters of my life. FEAR.

Fear of my life becoming public, fear of expressing my true thoughts, fear of what my family will think of me, fear of what others will tell my family about me, stage fear, fear of making mistakes, fear of facing them, fear of the feeling that tells me am fearing something. Fear of FEAR itself!

Everything came down upon me in that defining moment (one of the moments) of my life but as they have portrayed in books and movies these defining moments make your hand tremble, blurs out all the world around you, mutes the Heavy metal emanating from your surround system and blacks you out. However, none of this happened. I am still very much aware and conscious of what's happening around me, but my thoughts were focused only on one thing- my Diary. I run to my cupboard and fish for my diary and just try to pen down whatever i felt hardly seven minutes ago. The upward surge and the 'high' you get on discovering something about yourself which you have known all this while but always failed to admit was predominantly ruling my feelings and emotions. As i started writing, the euphoria is dying out and i try to keep in mind every single moment i felt as i try to concentrate on writing this piece. 

Sometimes, I just wonder what I am doing here in this world, amidst people i don't know and what really is my job here. Strangers turned best friends are as common as the vice-versa in this world, i have come to realise. We all reach a point in our lives where we don't seem to exist without an identity. We just cease to be ourselves and start living for this "world", a cobweb of sorts created by ourselves for ourselves. 

People exclaim "Oh life is hard". Life is difficult to digest because we have consumed far too much of outside junk food even though we all know nothing beats home-cooked food. I look within myself and however repulsive, different and awkward i may seem, I have learnt to accept that this is the me i always have been. I feel proud and content that i have had enough failures which could be made into epic sagas and my choices, however stupid and exemplify my ignorance, are what i created for myself and that gives me a feeling that i am the one still holding the reins of my life. These are the few moments i feel that i have actually lived through something, lived through 'life' as put across in crude terms. 

My phone does not buzz and nobody pings me either. We are all surrounded with enough and more loneliness, people who pity themselves, know-it-alls, people who take pleasure in exercising a condescending attitude. However, none of this affects me anymore. Cuz, like Linkin Park and Metallica rightly put forth, we are all Numb, waiting for a Messenger when we realise that In the End, When they come for me, Nothing else matters and only the Memory remains. :D

As i re-read the section i have just completed, I am simply amazed as to how I was capable of this. Every step i take, i am just sure of one thing. I have discovered my passion, something i was clueless about all these years. I may not be there yet as a writer yet, but now i at least know where to start. 

I wish i could write more, but if i do, the magic of it all will be lost and the 'high' i feel when am writing will eventually turn out to be a monotonous routine, returning me to my solitary state. I savour every moment i wrote this piece which will go on my blog for the entire world to see. 

Good luck to everybody and God Bless you (for you have survived after reading my work :D) 

Love and Cheers,

The Phoenix